Since He's Been Gone
by malfoylover01
Summary: He loved me. I know he loved me. If he hadn't loved me, we wouldn't have set this creature loose on an unsuspecting world. Angel


A/N: It's Joss's. Selfish man. And Kelly's, but she's welcome to it, 'cause I can't sing.

_Here's the thing: we started off friends  
It was cool but it was all pretend  
Yeah yeah  
Since you've been gone_

We started out—just friends, you know? Not really even that. He would show up, warn me about some vague, awful event that was going to happen in the near future, and then disappear. I didn't really mind, though. I mean, he was never anything more to me than a source of information. Until the night we kissed, and oh God, he was a vampire, and I was supposed to kill vampires.

_You dedicated you took the time  
Wasn't long till I called you mine  
Yeah Yeah  
Since you've been gone_

But he explained—explained he had a soul, that he really did love me, that he wasn't a blood-sucking murderer like the things I fought on a nightly basis. And we—not really dated, 'cause you can't date the undead, that's just weird, but—we did, whatever it was. He was nice, he was sweet, he definitely wasn't a high school boy--

_And all you'd ever hear me say  
Is how I pictured me with you  
That's all you'd ever hear me say_

He—he loved me. I know he did. He had to have loved me—because the things he said, did, you don't do those just to screw with someone's head. And-and I thought, y'know, I could be with him. This could be love. I could have a life with him, well, not a normal, one, but a life together. But now--

_But since you've been gone  
I can breathe for the first time  
I'm so movin' on  
Yeah yeah  
Thanks to you  
Now I get  
What I want  
Since you've been gone_

Now, he's something else. Not someone. He's not even remotely human anymore. My God, what he did to Ms. Calendar? And those other people—I can't just stand around anymore, fighting with my heart. It's my fault. He's my fault. I have to do something. I have to make it right, or die trying, and I'm scared it might be the latter.

_How can I put it?You put me on  
I even fell for that stupid love song  
Yeah yeah  
Since you've been gone_

I thought he loved me. I know he loved me. But he's not him anymore. He's a raving monster. He's something I never—never dreamed of facing—and oh God, I can't. Was he faking the whole time? Was he really always this thing, that maims and kills and _enjoys_ it? He can't have been. He was so sweet, and, and loving, and--

"Was it good for you too?"

_How come I never hear you say  
I just wanna be with you  
I guess you never felt that way_

He never loved me. Maybe if I tell myself that, it'll be easier. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never—but he did. I know he did. Because I loved him, and if he hadn't loved me, we wouldn't have unleashed this creature on an unsuspecting world.

_But since you've been gone  
I can breathe for the first time  
I'm so movin' on  
Yeah yeah  
Thanks to you  
Now I get  
I get what I want  
Since you've been gone_

But now he's gone. And nothing I, myself, can do will change that. I have to grieve quickly and find the strength to kill the demon in his body. Because if I don't, it will go on polluting his memory and making him something despicable to me.

_You had your chance, you blew it  
Out of sight, out of mind  
Shut your mouth, I just can't take it  
Again and again and again and again_

And the things he says, the things he writes, the things he does, just make it easier and easier—I kneed him the other day. I deliberately caused the man I love pain. Except he's not the man I love. No. What's in his body never loved anyone or anything, except himself. I'm not sure I can take the taunting anymore, the way he _looks_ at me like he's going to--

_Since you've been gone  
I can breathe for the first time  
I'm so movin' on  
Yeah yeah  
Thanks to you (thanks to you)  
Now I get  
I get what I want  
I can breathe for the first time  
I'm so movin' on  
Yeah yeah  
Thanks to you (thanks to you)  
Now I get (I get)  
You should know (you should know)  
That I get  
I get what I want_

I'm an only child. I get what I want. And I want this man dead. I want him to die on the end of my stake, with that look of shock on his face he had when I hit him, for what he's done to me. I need to move on.

_Since you've been gone_

He hurt Giles, he hurt Willow,

_Since you've been gone_

And he hurt me.

_Since you've been gone_

Angel's gone. And Angelus isn't going to live long.


End file.
